Author Archive

Library woes

 TRACK TOP
Posted on Monday, February 11th, 2008 at 9:13 pm.

I love checking out books, movies, and librarians at the local Deerfield Public Library. It is totally free and awesome. The DVD collection is usually fairly picked over, but still offers up a gem once in a while.

So I picked up “The Motorcycle Diaries” to help brush up on my Spanish. Good movie.

The problem arose when I returned the case without the DVD. They called my house and left a message. My mother heard the message and didn’t tell me, in the process deleted it. This was all a month ago.

Result: a $24 fine.

I of course tell my mother where she can stick the phone, but she is in this totally zen mood because her friend with 5 kids found out he has lymphoma. So she is all like “you have nothing to complain about.” BITCH now I cant go to Chipotle 4 times. Kids, don’t live at home or your parents will ruin your life.

Arkansas

 TRACK TOP
Posted on Friday, February 1st, 2008 at 11:48 am.

I never noticed that Arkansas has “kansas” right in the middle of it. That makes me think much less of Kansas now, because they were all like “man, Arkansas is so great, we should name our state after it.” This only further proves to me that Kansas is dumb, and unobservant too now.

I think I have figured out why I like redheads so much. It turns out that between the ages of 2 and 5 (very formative years) I had a red headed dentist all up in my mouth. Those are very formative years and no doubt had a weird impact on me. It also explains why I get boners when my fat german dental hygienist pokes my gums until they bleed. OOOO HURTS SO GOOD

Yesterday a coworker showed me how to make a starbucks cup say “fuck off.” Not terribly clever, but I cant bring myself to spit in other people’s coffee so it will have to do.

Boners!

 TRACK TOP
Posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2007 at 2:30 pm.

Deerfield chose to erect this statue in honor of my conquest of the local nursery school. It’s fairly lifelike and accurate, though I got to say I don’t remember being naked. Here’s a picture (it is not just a picture of a wang as the name suggests):

*http://boners.com/grub/795762.html

I got a member at the club to get me a recommendation from the head of UIC’s anesthesiology faculty. It can only help, because lord knows my GPA needs some making up for.

I’m just about to file a lawsuit against my landlord. He hasn’t given us the security deposits back in over 2 months, so we are now entitled to double the deposits, which is awesome.

I got my mother a little drunk on wine the other day and she started loosening her tongue. Apparently my grandma had one of my uncles looked at by a clinician because he was “addicted to pornography.” He’s only a half-uncle of mine, but still, it looks like it runs in the family.

(no title)

 TRACK TOP
Posted on Thursday, March 15th, 2007 at 6:07 pm.

Of all the types of facial hair, the moustache is definitely the most racist. If you see one of those things coming down the street you go all, “holy shit that thing is bad news.” Last week a moustache called me a dirty mic and even though I am not Irish I was still offended so I trimmed him off center and now he looks weird.

My mom got me a “Git R Done” shirt a few months ago because she likes larry the cable guy and fart jokes. I said I was not going to wear it out of the house without another shirt over it but yesterday I did. Those people in White Hen probably think I like talking about underbritches and my ugly sister. I am so ashamed.

*www.achewood.com is the web comic that punishes all other comics, but it’s like all character humor so you have to read from the beginning which is kinda suxors (but not really).

The only reason Nancy Pelosi wants looser immigration laws is because she has a taste for poor little Mexican 5 year olds.

A new addition

 TRACK TOP
Posted on Monday, February 26th, 2007 at 1:56 am.

My name is Chazz and this is my first post. I have known Kev since we took a class taught by a turkey-lady. I like rainbows (though I’m not gay, only bi-curious) and also Wes Anderson films. I’m not actually bi-curious.

Speaking of turkey, what if you were addicted to cold turkey? How would you give it up? You couldn’t just go cold turkey, you would have to get like, cold turkey gum or a cold turkey inhaler. Just think of how ridiculous you would sound:

“I’m quitting cold turkey, bro. This time I mean it.”
“Cool bro, what are you quitting?”
“Cold turkey you DUMBASS WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?!”

My roommates and I are quitting cold turkey for Lent. That is, we are observing Lent in the East Orthodox manner in addition to giving up masturbation (as usual). That means that we cant eat meat, dairy, eggs or fish ever. We can drink booze and use oil only on the weekends. It’s hard enough to be vegan, but not using oil or eating things with added oil is about as hard as my- you get the idea.

I went to Clarke’s today for coffee. When you go to a restaurant and get a bottomless cup of coffee, that really just means that they will refill it once, because you will tip 15% all the same you big pussy.

Cold turkey gum sounds like a delicious Mexican candy.